Post-Retreat Reflections

I spent the weekend with a group of people who focus a lot of time and energy on cultivating compassion, trying to shed their egos, and thinking about how to benefit other people. I witnessed many, many quiet acts of selflessness, both there with them, and when I returned home.

My wife (who thinks I'm a bit daft for some of the actvities I engage in), after having a superbly yucky week, STILL took the time from her weekend of handling EVERYTHING (all 5 dogs and people stopping by who are used to me being 'there' when they want/need) to go through the mound (ok, MOUNTAIN) of mail and paperwork on the counter, organize it, clean the garage, and the laundry closet. This was after taking one pup to the vet on Saturday, walking all 5 dogs each day (which takes 2+ hours, because she has to walk them in 2 groups), grocery shopping for the week, etc, etc - most of which she never even mentioned. She did all of this so that I could go work on cultivating more compassion, shedding my ego, and cultivating the desire to ease suffering in others. Heh heh... lesson #1...

Lesson #2 came along about the middle of the second day when my throat started getting dry, and then later again the following morning. We were reciting some texts (it takes a while), and I'm not used to talking a lot because I work at home. We hadn't had any water, and I was parched...it was going to be a long day. By the following morning, I was literally fantasizing about ice water: like how beautiful it was and how nice it would be to gulp it down...from a clear, tall glass. I showed up this morning, and then I looked up at my teacher. And realized. He had been reciting the whole weekend. For HOURS and HOURS every day. While we could drop out and concentrate in certain parts, he was leading, and so could not. And, he had to speak loudly and clearly...in a language that is not his native tongue. Never complaining, he even answered our questions at lunch the first day - his food still on his plate for most of the time because we had so many, while we shoveled into our mouths, trying to eat well before fasting.

This morning when we broke our fast, we ate breakfast together. Again, our patient teacher sat with his meal in front of him, not even able to take a bite for the first 15 minutes because of the volley of "who, what, why, and how" we were firing at him. All the while, he smiled, answered, encouraged more questions - never even looking at his food. He could have previously eaten a huge breakfast for all of the interest he showed in what was in front of him. But he hadn't - he hadn't eaten for about 43 hours. Again, while we were shoveling fruit and oatmeal like it was the meal of "the gods" (and it sure tasted good...), he was more interested in if we "got it". When I left, about 45 minutes later, most of the food was still on his plate, and he was answering questions and engaging in discussion with great enthusiasm. Lesson #3.

On my way home, I stopped to buy a "treat" for lunch later. As I was leaving, a man walked toward my car. He was talking to himself about something that was beyond my ability to understand - most likely because it was in his own private language. He was filthy - and I mean down to the bone filthy. He was wearing probably at least 3 layers of clothes - long johns (I think), then jeans, then baggy shorts over the jeans, with the same pattern repeated up top. He was so thin, I think he might have weighed 110lbs soaking wet (with all those clothes on). I prepared myself for the inevitable..."ma'am, can you...?". It never came. He instead headed straight for the trash can, and with a skill that comes from years of such practice, pulled out the only clean piece of paper in the entire thing. With the receipt in-hand, he then walked over to where a tire had mashed something that was barely food before it was discarded and flattened, and scraped the remains onto the receipt with all the reverence of a priest who had spilled the communion offering. I just KNEW what he was going to do next. Yep - he wrapped up and popped into his pocket for a later culinary delight. He went back to said garbage can to see if he could rustle up some liquid to wash it down, found a good bit, and then walked on his merry way. I stopped him and got a closer view, shared a few words, etc, and then we parted ways.

Lesson #4 - This ghost of a man... hollow eyes, the most base life one can experience, no hope of anything beyond the pain and suffering of day-to-day - he was an outward manifestation of how most of us live our lives on the inside. And, the majority of us turn our eyes away when we see this outward appearance with the same vigor with which we nurture it internally. We think nothing of eating the spoiled crap off the streets that has who knows what kind of bacteria, germs, waste, etc - but in the form of what we consume and foster with, and in, our minds. We are all, in some way, hungry ghosts, mentally drifting through this existence, trying to gulp down salt water in the form of so many distractions, thinking it will quench our thirst.

I learned so many things this weekend... most are intensely personal and not shared here, but I wanted to at least share these few.

Your kindness is a treasure. I am so grateful...it is beyond my ability to express.